Getting along

[Abby83]

Hello there,

Im ripping my hair out once again when it comes to my husbands entire family. Which brings me to need to know what it is I need to do to get along and be happy if at all possible with this family.

My question - what do I need to do to get along with my husbands family so that I can be happy.

I know it is not an ethnicity issue. There is another girl who is English Australian who is in the same position as me in the family as me. She and her partner break all the traditional rules by not being married, having a baby before marriage, naming the child whatever they want, and so on... the moment she entered the family they all welcomed her with open arms without knowing her, and she was always a princess to them. she could give birth on the footpath and they would only say the nicest things about her. The same treatment has occurred with another girl who entered the family, again of different ethnicity.
With me, right from get go from the moment I was introduced to the family, they ALL gave me the cold shoulder without even a hello or goodbye. The treatment still stands, but it's worse. My husband decides with his family on what happens re my children and marriage etc. And my word doesn't count for anything. They purposely ignore it to hurt me so my voice and opinion doesn't count. They treat me like im an invisible nothing yet force me to go to family events? If I don't go to a family event, even if it is because my daughter is sick, they interrogate me and curse me with their disgust for not coming, assuming that im running away from them. I don't get them really. The family pressure to see them when they treat me like **** makes no sense at all other than they get pleasure out of it. they control me through my husband so I have a strong disliking to him as a result. I personally would have preferred to have done it all like the girl I mentioned above, but for some reason with me im a disgrace? It doesn't matter what I do, they hate me, even if I am kind to them. And they smile and make eye contact with me after doing or saying something emotionally hurtful too.
So im wondering if there is anything I can do to make this work.

So far ive been distancing myself when in their presence, it's like im not there. their hatred towards me spreads across the room. it's always there. their eyes are always piercing criticising me. watching my every move so they can tell me off or tell my husband what to do so they can have control. Im wondering if distancing and detaching myself is the only way to go, along with being very vague with my responses.
It doesn't help that I have nothing in common with these people, even in regards to raising children.
Needless to say, my social life is affected too because my brother in law and sister in law who have no friends, have been tagging along with my husbands friends, spreading all the negativity there too.
In natal charts, most of these family members have strong Piscean influence and some Gemini, which clashes with my sag stellium and virgo planets.
With natal north node in Gemini 7th house, im wondering if I need to learn to be more superficial in my relationships.

Also, last night I casted a horary asking why they didn't like me. My interpretation was that we clash because a different set of values, to put it simply. Just too different in every way. I was portrayed as the sag I am and they were the pisceans which is fitting.

So in this horary I find this question more complex and would like to know what I need to do to get along with them. Venus being me in Gemini 1st house describes me quite well. I love talking, change, even sex with variety, but I find this family too boring for my tolerance. Im guessing the aspect venus makes to Uranus 11th house is the need to break away with friends more? Although I have been doing this to mix my life up a bit, it has been getting more bad looks from the family.

Thank you so much.

Ps: It seems that no-one likes my independent free spirited saggi nature, so if that's the case, I often wonder what on earth im doing here.

 

[photon11111]

I didn't see your natal chart, but alone dragons head in the seventh house is the direction to go. It is the area of life experience to embrace.

 

[Abby83]

Yes Photon11111, I do agree I need to take on the north node Gemini 7th house/dragons head, in this place meaning I need to learn to relate to others. But how do I do that when we have no similarities whatsoever. I don't actually know how to be my dragons head. Any advice?

 

[photon11111]

Strangers, strange people, are our teachers. They teach things that are not taught in academe, things that we cannot learn by being apart of a group where they all agree on cultural matters. Unfortunately some times learning can be painful. This not astrology so I will go not further here.

 

[photon11111]

I first found the the Sabian Symbols while reading the books of Dane Rudhyar. I still use "An Astrological Mandala". If you have some one you can relax with and have "An Astrological Mandala", look at the sign, house and aspects to your dragons head. Set that meaning in your mind then have the trusted person to slowly read out loud two times what is said for that degree. Something should form in your mind about the ultimate reasoning.

 

[Abby83]

If I look at it that way, I think im doing all the right things, except im having a little trouble coping with the hatred projected at me as a result. I do feel like my north node Gemini 7th house many times, yet it irritates people to the core. So then, I must learn to not let it bother me and just let them implode!

 

[starstudent33]

In this chart, I was expecting to see some terribly malefic aspect between his family and you, but all I see is Jupiter (his family) sextile Venus (you), with a mutual reception in terms, but Venus is also receiving Jupiter in detriment. This shows that you have frequent opportunities to see them, but they are mean and overbearing.
The chart seems to show that your husband's relationship with his family is significant to the question. I see your husband (Mars) is ill-dignified in your house of secret enemies (12th). This means he's acting as a secret enemy to you. He is one who communicates dissatisfaction rudely (Saturn, lord of his 3rd, in his first in Sagittarius). The Moon is translating the light of Saturn to Jupiter (his family, his 4th). This shows it is easy for him to communicate dissastisfaction or complaints to his family. They are receiving them in detriment, meaning it's upsetting or problematic to to them to hear these things. He speaks of an unconventional philosophy, to which they are opposed. He is receiving some sort of great benefits from them through his communication (Jupiter Saturn's ruler trining him). His lord Mars shows he is having a problem with his family (Mars square Jupiter). Mars is in their 3rd, so this echoes the idea that his communication is causing them a problem.

 

[Abby83]

In this chart, I was expecting to see some terribly malefic aspect between his family and you, but all I see is Jupiter (his family) sextile Venus (you), with a mutual reception in terms, but Venus is also receiving Jupiter in detriment. This shows that you have frequent opportunities to see them, but they are mean and overbearing.
The chart seems to show that your husband's relationship with his family is significant to the question. I see your husband (Mars) is ill-dignified in your house of secret enemies (12th). This means he's acting as a secret enemy to you. He is one who communicates dissatisfaction rudely (Saturn, lord of his 3rd, in his first in Sagittarius). The Moon is translating the light of Saturn to Jupiter (his family, his 4th). This shows it is easy for him to communicate dissastisfaction or complaints to his family. They are receiving them in detriment, meaning it's upsetting or problematic to to them to hear these things. He speaks of an unconventional philosophy, to which they are opposed. He is receiving some sort of great benefits from them through his communication (Jupiter Saturn's ruler trining him). His lord Mars shows he is having a problem with his family (Mars square Jupiter). Mars is in their 3rd, so this echoes the idea that his communication is causing them a problem.

In the horary chart I did on my own asking why they are mean, I got a definite hard aspect between me and them. In this horary im asking 'what can I do to get along?"
From what you are saying, yes they always want to see me, but they are mean as mean can be. And you have confirmed that I cant rely on my husband. I wouldn't say he talks about me, it's more they talk about me to my husband.
When u say his communication causing them a problem, I think they don't like the decisions we make and they want things to be their way, eg when husband tells them what food we want the kids to eat or time they go to bed or anything, they always disagree and object. So id probably say that my husband saying what we think or what our plans are are an annoyance to them, again because of opposing views and power struggles.

 

[Abby83]

You know what, u got me thinking. maybe my husband is speaking ill of me to please his mum. Oh and my husband communicates dissatisfaction of me to me rudely too.

 

[starstudent33]

The Jupiter-Saturn trine shows your husband is receiving some sort of generosity or philosophical loyalty from his family when he communicates, which I'm sure is his cheif motivation for communicating with them.

As far as what you can do to get along, You're already being as kind and socially gracious as you can (Jupiter receiving Venus in terms). The problem is you're in Gemini, which receives Jupiter in detriment: there's no way your sociable personality can get along with Jupiter.
You could gain a great deal of power and authority if you communicated your thoughts to them. Then you would be the Sun, their ruler. They would look to you for leadership, and be less malicious. If you expressed your displeasure at your husband's complaining, they would sympathize (the Moon reflects his communications onto first you and then them, causing unhappiness for both). Your thoughts are not in line with theirs (Sun square Jupiter), and that makes it difficult for you to communicate with them, but I think if you make the effort it will be well worth it. Try to think in terms of commanding respect and being outspoken with your communications (Leo), instead of relating emotional distress and seeking security (Taurus, Cancer).

 

[Abby83]

The Jupiter-Saturn trine shows your husband is receiving some sort of generosity or philosophical loyalty from his family when he communicates, which I'm sure is his cheif motivation for communicating with them.

As far as what you can do to get along, You're already being as kind and socially gracious as you can (Jupiter receiving Venus in terms). The problem is you're in Gemini, which receives Jupiter in detriment: there's no way your sociable personality can get along with Jupiter.
You could gain a great deal of power and authority if you communicated your thoughts to them. Then you would be the Sun, their ruler. They would look to you for leadership, and be less malicious. If you expressed your displeasure at your husband's complaining, they would sympathize (the Moon reflects his communications onto first you and then them, causing unhappiness for both). Your thoughts are not in line with theirs (Sun square Jupiter), and that makes it difficult for you to communicate with them, but I think if you make the effort it will be well worth it. Try to think in terms of commanding respect and being outspoken with your communications (Leo), instead of relating emotional distress and seeking security (Taurus, Cancer).

Thank you very much, spot on.
I wonder what benefit my husband gets thru communicating with them.
It's true that if I comp-lain to them about my husband, which has been about twice, they sympathise as you say and feel embarrassed. so it seems he is my enemy then.
When you say I need to communicate my demand of p-ower and respect. I do this ongoingly, they hate my disruption because my mother in law wants to be in power. so I am doing what you say. I communicate what im not ok with and what im not happy with, and they purposely (all of them) do the exact opposite to **** me off. And then my husband overrides my needs. he does what he wants to do and overrides me.

 

[starstudent33]

What I'm suggesting is using a technique I call "moving planets". When you've got a big problem or conflict with some person(s), you find out which planets are involved, and which planet is you. Usually, the planets are in a square or opposition, which is a difficult aspect that never gets any better, no matter what you do. Then, you look in the chart and figure out where you could move your planet to to gain an advantage. Then, you "move" your planet by meditating on the sign/house position where you would like the planet to be and focusing on the idea of expressing the matters connected with that planet in the context of that sign/house, instead of where they are now.

In your chart, the problem is the sun is in Taurus 12th and square to Jupiter, which means you talk about practical matters concerning material goods, money, or security. Your thinking is conservative or stubbornly unmoving. Your communications seem helpless and victimized (12th house). Your communications (sun) are very weak due to the environment you're in (Taurus 12th), and it's easy for the family to just cut you off when you try to talk (square). If you would "move" the sun to Leo, they would treat you as their leader of thought (sun ruler of Leo). I think they would listen to you and stop cutting you off. Here's how to meditate to "move" your sun. Below I have a description of your sun now compared to your sun in Leo. The sun now shows what you value when you are communicating with them now. The sun in Leo is what you should try to value when you are communicating with them.

Sun now Sun in Leo
Conservatism, practicality, Bravery, commanding
steadfastness, persistence, respect, very attached to
composure, stubbornness, your children, proud,
security, financial sense inspiring, haughty

I see what you mean about your mother in law wanting authority. She's Mercury (your husband's 10th) and she's conjunct her 10th cusp (authority). You (Venus) and she are in mutual reception by ruler, meaning you both see the other person as having authority. You should also try to move Venus--back into Taurus and conjunct your ascendant. That would give you great dignity and strength. You would rule your mother in law and she would have no power over you. Also, you'd stop receiving Jupiter in detriment. Venus is your outward behavior and your physical appearance.

Venus now
alert, responsive, talkative, loves variety and new
information

Venus in Taurus
loves beautiful things, practical and realistic in social situations, trustworthy, conservative dresser, humorous

 

[Abby83]

What I'm suggesting is using a technique I call "moving planets". When you've got a big problem or conflict with some person(s), you find out which planets are involved, and which planet is you. Usually, the planets are in a square or opposition, which is a difficult aspect that never gets any better, no matter what you do. Then, you look in the chart and figure out where you could move your planet to to gain an advantage. Then, you "move" your planet by meditating on the sign/house position where you would like the planet to be and focusing on the idea of expressing the matters connected with that planet in the context of that sign/house, instead of where they are now.

In your chart, the problem is the sun is in Taurus 12th and square to Jupiter, which means you talk about practical matters concerning material goods, money, or security. Your thinking is conservative or stubbornly unmoving. Your communications seem helpless and victimized (12th house). Your communications (sun) are very weak due to the environment you're in (Taurus 12th), and it's easy for the family to just cut you off when you try to talk (square). If you would "move" the sun to Leo, they would treat you as their leader of thought (sun ruler of Leo). I think they would listen to you and stop cutting you off. Here's how to meditate to "move" your sun. Below I have a description of your sun now compared to your sun in Leo. The sun now shows what you value when you are communicating with them now. The sun in Leo is what you should try to value when you are communicating with them.

Sun now Sun in Leo
Conservatism, practicality, Bravery, commanding
steadfastness, persistence, respect, very attached to
composure, stubbornness, your children, proud,
security, financial sense inspiring, haughty

I see what you mean about your mother in law wanting authority. She's Mercury (your husband's 10th) and she's conjunct her 10th cusp (authority). You (Venus) and she are in mutual reception by ruler, meaning you both see the other person as having authority. You should also try to move Venus--back into Taurus and conjunct your ascendant. That would give you great dignity and strength. You would rule your mother in law and she would have no power over you. Also, you'd stop receiving Jupiter in detriment. Venus is your outward behavior and your physical appearance.

Venus now
alert, responsive, talkative, loves variety and new
information

Venus in Taurus
loves beautiful things, practical and realistic in social situations, trustworthy, conservative dresser, humorous

Oh thank you so much you wonderful person you.

Ok so bear with me, im going to give you my interp of what you just said and base it on what's going on.

With the Taurus venus im thinking working on my body, beautifying it and looking after it as I see that as being more powerful than her. She is very vain and wants to be the most beautifully adored creature in the room. If there is someone else that looks good there or shines over her, then she feels less powerful and behaves nicely - this is true! Thank you. It sounds like a mean thing to do but I need to do it. I need to bring her down to a healthy level to relate and this is one way I will do it.

(I don't know if I mentioned it earlier but I recently had three kids which made my body look shockingly awful. She loses respect for what she considers weak and then makes fun of them. So getting my body into better shape will earn a little more respect for sure.)

She also likes Taurean things like shopping expensive brand name clothes, but I cant do this with her as I cant afford it. She spends so much money but I cant do this.

Also with the sun in Leo, my interp with that is my leadership with my kids. Taking charge with my life with them, not being dependent on my mother in law, spending more time with kids. It's sort of working now I guess. Sometimes I need a break and need in laws to take kids so I can get chores done or something. But the more time I spend with kids and do activities with them the more they will love me, despite her manipulations and the rumours she spreads. When u have three toddlers and health problems as a result from the pregnancies and the stress she has created over the years, of course she will perceive me as weak. And at the time I was also experiencing a large amount of high frictional long 12th house transits natally.

So I have to dress conservatively? ****, I love being unconventional. Maybe ill just dress that way around her .

My mother in law currently has a lot of progressed planets in Taurus right now!!

Ok so 2 goals then based on venus and sun.

1) Get my body into fantastic condition, and dress conservatively lol.
2) Be independent with the kids - this will be the hard one. I need a rest too and will need help at times and cant afford to pay for someone to help. My mum is good company so when I can, I see her, which makes my mother in law question how I do it all. She does get jealous. But when the inlaws move in next door at my sister in laws house in July, that will be the big challenge, simply because my husband overrides me and allows his mum to take the kids as she pleases against my will. So yeah this leo sun will be a challenge for sure!!

But thank you so much. You have helped a lot. God bless you.

 

[starstudent33]

I think you've got the right idea now. I see your husband is Mars, and he's right there with your mother in law (Mercury). They're "together" on this idea of functioning as your secret enemies and trying to get authority over you. He's using his mother's authority to boost his own. When you become Venus in Taurus, you'll rule them both. Good luck, I hope things get better for you.

 

[Abby83]

I think you've got the right idea now. I see your husband is Mars, and he's right there with your mother in law (Mercury). They're "together" on this idea of functioning as your secret enemies and trying to get authority over you. He's using his mother's authority to boost his own. When you become Venus in Taurus, you'll rule them both. Good luck, I hope things get better for you.

Yes, exactly!! My husband does team up with them. Im thinking if I team up with her, maybe ill be the one in more power?

Im also taking your advice as being in line with my Gemini north node, because geminis are known for being two faced and now I know why - because they need to to get along. In other words I have to change who I am to suit them when im around them to get along with them.

Although id have to admit I do get extremely jealous of other individuals (anywhere) who are uranian and rebellious (as I naturally am) and are supported and respected for being so. I wish I could be respected for it as they are. But I guess my lesson is to be like a chameleon. The hard part will be to be conservative, and for how long with my husband? the rest of my life? Oh dear. If you look at my profile picture you will see how I like to dress, and apparently, according to them I dress like a prostitute! I disagree.
Anyway thanks.

 

[starstudent33]

I hope you're not bothered I'm writing some more. I just want to make sure I've thoroughly explained the "moving planets" idea. I'm really hoping I can get you or someone to try this idea because I'm pretty excited about it. It has worked so well for me.
If you've done it right, it should feel like you've grown a new way of looking at things, instead of like you are trying to be somebody you're not. To do this, you have to meditate to embrace all the values of another sign (in your case, Taurus), so you can get in the right mindset. Surface things, like choosing what to wear, will come automatically after that. Before you get in the mindset, it always seems like it's something you don't want to do because it seems like you're going to reject your own values. Once you get there, though, you'll see that the old values are still operational, but you're going to stop expressing them openly because they are not helping you to deal with a problem person. You're choosing to focus on the new values to be sure that you are staying in the mindset and the other person is seeing your new values above the old ones.
You can meditate by looking at a list of all the values of the sign (in your case, Taurus) and trying to embrace them, one by one. Soon, you'll find you're in the mindset of that sign. You don't have to meditate on being the planet (Venus) because you're already that planet.

 

[Abby83]

Oh thank you,

I love it when you write back to me because it de-stresses me. I needed you message actually because today I started feeling down, thinking they think im not beautiful enough for them etc, and I think the same of them, but you just clarified it's not really just about that. A lot of it is just being groomed better. So im working on it. It is hard though, cos they criticise me a lot and are Hippocrates eg its ok for my son to hold their filthy chickens but he's not aloud to touch my mums house dog?! Ill keep shrugging off their comments and do as you say. Cheers.

 

[starstudent33]

You're so sweet! I can certainly sympathize with how you feel,

too. I have three kids too. I don't have any family really, but I have

to deal with my husband all the time and he's victimizing me to

make things easier on himself. He leaves me here to deal with

raising the kids and keeping everything together, while he runs off

and gets drunk with his friends. He started drinking about eight

years ago. Of course, money is a problem, since he's the only one

working, and he's barely working at all. That's what we fight about

mainly. I'd like to get a divorce, but I can't see any way to make it

work out for me and the kids. I feel like I can't do anything about

him, so I get tired of thinking about it and I just look for a way to

go on.
A few months ago, I was studying synastry charts and I looked

at his and mine. I saw there was an angular opposition which is

the main problem. He's Mars in Pisces in the 10th--very

aggressive in a sneaky, hard-to-define way and always trying to

push his authority on the rest of us. He uses his psychic

emotional empathy to detect how I'm feeling, then figures out what

the most emotionally upsetting thing he could say or do would be,

and then he does it. It used to catch me by surprise every time and

I didn't know what hit me. Then he'd give me this nonchalant look

and say, "I didn't say one mean word to you. You must be going

crazy to think I did something." It was so infuriating because I

knew he was lying, but I couldn't point to anything concrete that

he'd done. My planet is Jupiter in Virgo, and it's weak because it's

in detriments, so I couldn't seem to win a fight. I would always

counter his attacks by pointing out his mistakes and what a stupid

idiot he is. He didn't care though. Pisces people make completely

illogical statements and they don't care if they're making no verbal

sense, as long as they're hitting the right emotional cord by what

they do or say.
Then I found that I could meditate my Jupiter from Virgo into

Pisces by embracing Pisces values, including emotional empathy.

That made me Jupiter in Pisces conjunct the 10th cusp--very

powerful and authoritative, and able to rule him easily. That's how

I'm dealing with him now. When he wakes up in the morning, I

know that's the time of day that he usually picks a fight so I turn

on my emotional empathy to detect his hidden emotional state--

usually desperation and aggression that he's trying to conceal.

Since he's so busy trying to sense my feelings, he can tell that I

can sense his, and he knows his cloak of secrecy is gone so he

won't be able to get anywhere with his sneaky aggression. He also has more resepect for me, because in his narrow-minded world no

people have value unless they're Pisces like him--and now I am.

Then he starts doing more of what he ought to do: instead of

intentionally dragging his feet about getting ready for work

because he knows I'm upset about finances and it will create more

emotional upset for me, he gets ready and goes. That's a huge

improvement. This technique hasn't created any more love

between us, but it has given me more authority, and I think that's

the best I can hope for.

 

[Abby83]

Omg, I would say your situation is almost exactly like mine. Same thing. So you can definitely relate for sure.

So when my husband and his mother (who both have Saturn conjunct my venus/mars conjunction in virgo top of chart, and the other critical siblings, criticise me and interrogate me non stop from get go, what is the venus Taurus way of dealing with that? Or even the Leo sun way of dealing with it?

 

[starstudent33]

Sounds like you're talking about your synastry chart(s). Could you post those?