It's true I am very much a night owl! late night over thinking, analyzing greatly effects my daytime existence. I am not totally aware of how i appear to others, friends, family, colleagues... I might seem weak, shy, or goofy, like a little girl, very innocent, maybe closed off emotionally, but oh man do i have a darker side.
I read over the cancer rising characteristics and an addictive nature seems about right, not necessarily with food (I am very thin) but everything else. But I think the logical Virgo in me helps me keep the darkness at bay at least when i can help it, but i usually just can't win.
It's true I am strongly influenced by strong female characters, i look up to them i wish to exude that kind of outwardly strength, i wish i wasn't so influenced though because i want to be strong myself. My mother has been a hugely negative impact in my life, I have been trying to shut her out since i was 18, but there are still ties due to the rest of my family. She has put me down, criticized me so much for a large part of my life i was not able to function like a normal person, and i still feel like i never really will. Within 5 minutes of seeing her she will pay me 5 insults, and i just don't think she'll ever get it. i don't think i am so unattractive anymore as much as i use to but i think this is due to validation from men.
Inwardly i sometimes have such strong feelings of strength, power, confidence but it drives me crazy because i have no direction in life and am not able to express it in any real or important way.
When it comes to love and men, i feel like somewhat of a snake in the grass, but when someone gets the best of me it really destroys me psychologically. Sexually i feel powerful and have the confidence to pursue a man and be pursued but the same time i am so weak. that it ends badly.
I don't know if i am making any sense! this is all very personal for me, but i was wondering if you or anyone reading had any more perspectives of this. am i doomed to live a life in the shadows? or will i have a greater impact? will i ever be able to find love? and who am i best suited to? what career? will i ever be strong? and why do gravitate towards trouble like a moth to a flame?
And thank you raven for the insight, this is just the tip of the iceberg indeed.
